Stance: Studies on the Family

Brigham Young University Student Journal

Tag: America

Ryan in Provo: Don’t resent success, emulate it

by Dustin Schwanger

Vice presidential candidate, Paul Ryan, spoke to over 700 people on Wednesday evening in Provo’s Utah Valley Convention Center after a day of fundraising in the area.

Introduced by Josh Romney, one of Mitt Romney’s five sons, and in the company of Utah senator Orrin Hatch, Ryan continued with the campaign’s emphasis on capitalism and American ingenuity saying, “In America, we don’t want to resent success; we want to emulate it.”

Following the theme of freedom, Ryan said, “America is special because it is the only country in history founded upon an idea, that freedom comes from nature and God—not government,” which statement roused the mostly student audience.

Ryan finished his fifteen-minute speech again attacking government intrusion into Americans’ lives, saying, “The family is the nucleus of society—not government.”

This reception wrapped up a day of fundraising in the Provo area. Earlier in the day the campaign hosted a dinner with Ryan for $25,000 a plate, and later, for $3,000, supporters could meet Ryan and have their picture taken with him. The final fundraising event was this reception costing $1,000 a person, but only $20 for students.

Realizing Love’s Loss

by Laura Nava

The cultural ideals set for love relationships between men and women appear beautiful and enticing. Thousands of books and movies portray the most exquisite romantic situations. Holidays such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and the pinnacle of all romantic holidays—Valentine’s Day—suggest the absolute importance of romantic love expressions in modern American society. While celebrating love for each other is wonderful in itself, false expectations and affectation of genuine love are a byproduct of the over-romancing tendencies within the culture. Obsession with these idealized romantic expectations, or romance addiction, and lack of consciousness deteriorate the ability to maintain authentic relationships. Solutions are available to those who choose to change—the addiction can be cured.

In her book Escape from Intimacy, Anne Shaef identifies the dangers of romance addiction. In short, romance addiction is a condition that compels the addict to crave romance and its accoutrements to unhealthy levels. A few of the symptoms found commonly in society include being in love with the idea of romance and moving from one “cause” to another. A cause according to Shaef means going above and beyond what is necessary in romantic scenarios. Moving from one cause to another leads directly into the final symptom of romance addiction—feeling disappointed simply because the setting is not romantic and dreamlike.1 In the end, the romance addict goes from one cause to the next in search of pity and praise but never feels satisfied. Normal life begins to lose its luster.

 In the classic film, A Brief Encounter by Noel Coward, the main character Laura exemplifies these manifestations of romance addiction at various points within the story.2 Laura allows herself to slide into an affair due to her lack-luster marriage and the romantic settings of her extramarital escapades. Near the end of the movie, she appears to break the spell that romance addiction has cast. This movie demonstrates a typical affair showing that romance addiction gradually leads to detrimental characteristics that may have lasting effects.

The highly problematic nature of romance addiction presents itself in low self-esteem, vagueness (i.e. playing games or being hot and cold), and the ability to create a sense of instant intimacy. These characteristics portray an elegant romantic relationship in movies or books, yet they are undesirable in a real and tangible relationship.3 Low self-esteem can create a person who fishes for compliments. The labels witty and coy mask undesirable vagueness. And let us not forget the love-at-first-sight encounters that are highly celebrated but rarely turn into lasting relationships.

As romance addiction progresses the ugliness of the disease shows itself in the destructive effect it has on a person’s love-relationships. Romance addicts are left with little or no moral substance for them to give in a real love relationship. This leads to the destruction of love relationships between the couple, friends, and family.4 Devaluing the opinions of loved ones and purposefully acting in opposition to them are both signs that an individual is losing touch with reality. The fruit of love includes the gift of yourself—or more specifically your self. Self is the innermost genuine portion of an individual. The cankering of the self, which occurs throughout the stages of love addiction disease, leads to the root of the issue—the inability to give deeply to the love relationship.

Love addiction can be cured through consciousness—being aware of how we affect one another. The gift of real love is manifest in day-to-day caring and sacrifice, not in a box of chocolates or a vase on holidays. The book We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love by Robert Johnson delves into the details of how men and women have come to a state of ignorance to self. The book shows that such ignorance creates significant personal and cultural dilemmas. In order to give of one’s self, a person must have the ability to understand and share what they have to offer.

Johnson also exposes the common practice of blaming other people in relationships and the unhealthy emotional environment it creates. “Usually, we blame other people for failing us; it doesn’t occur to us that perhaps it is we who need to change our own unconscious attitudes—the expectations and demands we impose on our relationships and on other people.”5 These unrealistic expectations justify unhappiness, oftentimes leading to the dissolution of a love relationship. Gaining an awareness of and taking responsibility for one’s self creates a more successful love pattern to follow than the romantic ideal of being saved from reality by one’s true love. Remember—every individual has a valid and valuable self to offer. As we come to know our own limitations we won’t set expectations of others that they can’t meet.

Romantic expectations tend to push out rational thinking, which undermines the process of recognizing self and relating to others as equals to our self. Consciousness of self becomes integral to finding and maintaining genuinely loving relationships. “Ultimately, the only enduring relationships will be between couples who consent to see each other as ordinary, imperfect people and who love each other without illusion and without inflated expectations.”6 As individuals, we set realistic expectations for ourselves and recognize our personal limitations. If this is acceptable for the individual self, the question to answer is: why would the same practice not suffice for someone who we profess to love? Deeply caring relationships cannot exist if we continually place divine expectations on regular human beings. As we reject the hero and love goddess fantasies, reality allows a practical version of love to exist.

Placing ourselves in the mindset of reality can result in change. As with any other addictions, the addiction of divine expectations must be identified, accepted, and proactively eradicated from daily life. This process is, and always will be, a hard thing to accomplish, yet it is where solutions flourish. One of the first steps to eradication is acknowledging that you have a problem. Awareness is the key to finding help. Sometimes help comes in the form of self-education and goal setting. In other cases, helping yourself means seeking professional, psychological intervention. Whether you choose the former, the latter, or somewhere in between—the outcome of a healthier outlook on love will be worth the work.

Love is an integral part of everyone’s lives. Actively partaking of its happy effects is contingent on the ability to take responsibility for self and allow others the same opportunity. The unrealistic expectations of romanticism reject the self and thereby create a negative environment where love will not survive. The skills to engage in genuine love do not come easily in our romantically charged society, but learning how to find the appropriate balance of romance is achievable. The first steps to the process of giving and receiving genuine love are recognizing and then rejecting the pervasive nature of romance and its demands. As a culture we love love. Let’s keep it alive by keeping it real.

Endnotes
1. Anne Wilson Schaef, Escape from Intimacy (San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1989), 47.
2. Noel Coward, A Brief Encounter (Universal, 1946).
3. Schaef, Escape from Intimacy, 48.
4. Ibid., 49.
5. Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love (San Francisco, Harper and Row, 1983), xii.
6. Ibid, 110.


A Split Second Too Late

by Kaylyn Johnston

Imagine receiving a frantic phone call from your next-door neighbor saying that your son had just been shot . . . by his best friend. For the Stokes family of Oregon, this unthinkable event became a reality in January 2011, when their 12-year-old son Austin suffered a severe head injury after being shot with a loaded shotgun.

Since the near-fatal wound over a year ago, Austin has undergone numerous surgeries, including many to drain spinal fluid from his skull. Austin wears a helmet 24 hours a day to protect his exposed brain. He has had to relearn basic skills such as how to eat, walk, and talk, and has just recently returned to school with the help of in-home tutors.

Within the upcoming year, Austin must have at least two surgeries where doctors will use different parts of his ribs to help repair his damaged skull.

According to the Florida non-profit organization Families Against Murder and Accidental Shootings, the United States has the highest overall firearm mortality rate. The Center for Disease Control reports that more than 28,000 Americans have died every year since 1972 due to firearm accidents.

Because of these startling statistics and their personal experiences, the Stokes family hopes to raise awareness of gun safety from this incident. Austin’s father, Adam Stokes, says it best: 

“Way too many kids have gotten hurt or killed by people who are not being safe. I am going to try my hardest to help other people hear this message so they do not have to go through what we have or even worse. Please help me get the word out and let’s make the world a safer place for kids.

For more information about the Stokes family, visit The Desert News

The Stokes family has also asked for financial support to pay for the ever-mounting medical bills. The family has set up a fund in Austin’s name, which can be found here