“Keep the Commandments” The Thanksgiving holiday is a time to express thanks for the many blessings we have been given. A time to pause, reflect, and notice blessings that we may not otherwise recognize. A time to express our love for our Savior and our Heavenly […]
As my husband and I were discussing parenting (we often do) we realized that a large part of parenting is supporting your spouse. You may wonder “what does that have to do with parenting? Turns out it plays a large role.
There are many ways to show support to your spouse:
- Being there for big moments
- Upholding the rules set by partner
- Recognizing when help is needed and giving it
- Being happy for each other’s successes.
- Listening to the problems/triumphs
- Bragging about spouse to others
- Touching: a hand squeeze, a hug, a high-five
Parenting is a tough job. It takes time, hard work, perseverance, patience, creativity, and divine help. When you feel overloaded or alone, it’s hard to endure through the tough moments (yes, everyone has tough moments). I’ve found that the only way to get through it is to have support. Unless you are a single parent (a topic for another day), that support ought to come from your spouse.
These moments of support are not time-consuming or costly. It can be as simple as walking in the door at night and giving your spouse a hug. It might mean showing up to his or her presentation, performance, or work party. It could even be as easy as asking “What can I do for you today?” One of the best ways to support your spouse is by continuing to “date” each other. Taking the time to do fun things together allows you to remember why you got married in the first place. Weekly dates keep the fires of romance burning and they help you remember that there is more to life than parenting!
Over the years, my husband has given me tremendous support. When I held piano recitals, my husband would always be there early to hand out the programs—a huge show of support since it meant he had to leave work early. He would also hand out treats after the recital, allowing me time to visit with the parents of my students.
But how does this help our parenting? Happy spouses make for happy parents. When you know your efforts are appreciated, or even noticed, you feel valued as a person. Feeling valued as a person allows you to focus on others—the kids—and not yourself.
Another part of being supportive is being willing to sit down together and come up with a parenting plan. Although you can’t cover every possible circumstance, you can set some guidelines for yourselves that put you and your spouse on the same parenting page. When parents take the time to do this, something wonderful happens. The kids soon realize that their parents are a team. The kids will not be able to manipulate or pit the parents against each other. (If you don’t think kids do this, you don’t have kids yet!) This is a big step in positive parenting! Even though kids express the idea that they wish they could pit one of you against the other, the truth is that if they know the parents are united, they feel secure and confident.
If your parenting feels disjointed, if you feel alone even though you have a spouse, if you need encouragement or recognition, now is the time to take your honey on a date, sit down somewhere, and discuss how you can support each other in ways that matter to the two of you. Your kids will thank you for it later.
Written by: Phyllis Rosen
Parents across the country watch their child scream and cry as a nurse tries to insert a needle into the muscle on the child’s arm. The dramatic response of children to as simple of an injection as a flu shot causes parents to dread the […]
There’s an old saying: A jug fills drop by drop (Buddha). In light of the saying: What do these stories have in common?
- My daughter was home schooled for two years of middle school. Each morning we had school: math, history, reading, science, and electives. Then we ate lunch. If all her homework was finished, we did fun things.
- Every Monday night our family had family home evening. We varied the activities—sometimes having a lesson, sometimes playing games, occasionally inviting neighbors to join us. But not matter what, we had family home evening and spent time together.
- Saturday was a time for chores. In the morning there would be a list of chores that needed to be done with a note telling the kids how many chores to sign up for. Those who came first got to choose their chores first, and as soon as they were done, they could move on to other activities.
- If the kids had to be taken out of church, they had to sit on a chair in a room with no toys and no treats and no interaction with others. We never changed or varied from this rule.
- Bedtime was a time for reading! Every night we tucked our kids into bed with a story.
The common denominator here is CONSISTENCY. Good parenting requires consistent parenting. Children need consistency. It’s important that they know what the rules are and what is expected of them. When children understand what is expected, they know what to do, how to behave and better understand consequences for their actions.
Consistency works in multiple areas of life. Our kids loved to play at all hours of the day. Like most kids, they would beg us to let them skip dinner to continue playing. While this was sometimes tempting, I knew that the lesson they needed to learn of consistency (and eating nutritious meals) was more important than the short reprise it might mean for me if they skipped dinner. As soon as Dad came home, we would make sure the kids would come in and be ready to eat. This allowed us to enjoy quality family time and helped my kids learn important values.
Our kids didn’t always jump at the opportunity for family scripture study, so we made it an expected routine just like dinner. While we would vary our family scripture reading time, we always read with our children. This helped our kids learn the value in consistently putting our Heavenly Father first and also helped our children learn what we, as their parents, valued.
Another way to look at consistency is to think of it in terms of routine. As you build routines into your parenting, you actually reduce the stress of everyday life and help children to feel secure. For example, if you teach your children that they should brush their teeth every night, and you consistently make sure that happens, soon they brush their teeth by themselves without putting up a fuss. They just know it’s part of the daily routine. This eliminates discussion and arguments and hopefully cavities.
As you develop a routine for chores, children can learn that doing chores quickly and efficiently allows them to move on to more pleasurable activities. This, in turn, motivates them to work hard and to organize their time. When you have a routine for fun things (going to the park, visiting the library, etc.), then children learn that they can put off their wants for a period of time because they realize that the fun activity really will happen. They are able to trust that you mean what you say.
Even as teenagers, (maybe especially as teenagers), children feel secure when they know you mean what you say. When my kids were out with friends and we had agreed on a curfew, my kids knew that I would be sitting up waiting for them. They also knew that if they didn’t come in on time, there would be consequences. (Yep, once I made my teenage son put 30 puzzle pieces into the jigsaw puzzle I was working on because he came in late!)
These words of advice make sense and seem easy to follow. Unfortunately, kids like to test you and your resolve at almost every stage of life. When my oldest son was about twelve, I discovered how valuable consistency was, not only for the kids’ security, but also for making parenting easier. My son started giving me a lot of grief about obeying the rules. When I’d remind him it was time to do his chores, he would whine and complain and twist the issues around until we were arguing about all kinds of things—like why didn’t his brother have to do this chore? Why did he always get the hard jobs? or Why did I love his sister more? It got so out of control I finally I went to a counselor for help. The counselor changed my life. He explained I didn’t have to answer all the accusations my son was making. All I had to do was be consistent. So then the dialogue went like this:
Mom: You need to clean your room
Son: What?????????????? I just cleaned it.
Mom: Oh, really? Well, you still need to go clean your room.
Son: Why doesn’t Steph have to clean her room? Her room looks worse than mine!
Mom: Really? I’ll have to look. But you still need to clean your room.
Son: But I want to go outside to play!!!!!!!!!!
Mom: Great idea. As soon as you clean your room you can go outside.
Mom: I’m sure you can do it. Let me know when you are done.
No matter how many excuses or changes of topic he introduced, I consistently returned to what I expected of him. AND IT WORKED! He eventually gave up and did what he should. All it took was consistency on my part.
Being consistent isn’t always about chores, consequences, or nagging mothers. Being consistent is just as important when it comes to traditions and family fun.
Every family has traditions; and what builds traditions? Consistency.
One of our favorite family traditions is an annual Easter egg hunt. Every year, on the Saturday before Easter we get out the dying gear and color our eggs. Then later in the day, we hold our annual Easter egg hunt. We fill plastic eggs with candy and then hide both the plastic and the boiled eggs all around the yard. This is such a tradition, that we even took eggs with us (plastic ones!) when our family was on an outing over Easter. We hid the eggs at the cabin where we stayed!
It is not just holiday traditions that are important. Birthday traditions, family outings, or extended family get-togethers can also add consistency to the family. One of our favorite habits as a family was the Sunday evening game night. We spent many happy hours playing board games, card games, and in the summer—croquet! These consistent moments built memories that glue our family together even today.
So if you feel like parenting is the hardest thing you’ve ever done, pause and ask yourself if maybe a little consistency wouldn’t help to smooth things out and make parenting easier.
Written by Phyllis Rosen
A recent study quantified the economic impact of religious institutions and religion-related businesses throughout the U.S. The study, entitled “The Socio-economic Contribution of Religion to American Society: An Empirical Analysis,” is the first of its kind and was conducted by Brian Grim of Georgetown University and […]
Thanksgiving is coming up and FOOD is the word. When thinking about Thanksgiving, many of us number turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and pie among the many things that we are grateful for. Many of the memories that I personally have surrounding this time of year […]
After coming from a city where righteous, kind, ambitious, loving young men were few and far between, I can understand the appeal of dating in Provo, where that is not the case. There are so many practically perfect men that cross your path every day, and if you happen to snag one, how can you know that he could be your eternal companion?
When I had been dating my boyfriend (now fiancé) for 6 months, I knew I loved him, but I just wasn’t sure if he was the one for me. Some people say they “just know,” but for a logical thinker like me, that kind of thinking just didn’t work out.
Luckily, my brother sent me this document of questions for couples anticipating marriage to ask each other. I cut these questions into strips, folded them up, and put them in a bag. Every once-in-a-while, we would pull out the bag and take turns picking random questions and answering them. Not only was it informative, but it was also both spiritual and fun. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee, but these questions can give you a deeper insight into the heart of your loved one.
My fiancé and I highly recommended these questions to anyone who is considering getting married, as most of these questions do not usually come up in normal conversation.
These questions (and my fiancé’s answers to them) were pivotal in my decision to marry my best friend. Maybe you already know that he’s the one, and maybe you don’t, but regardless, give these questions a shot—you might be surprised by your results.
Written by Cari Taylor