Author: Stance Studies on the Family

The Influence of a Dad

The Influence of a Dad

Many years ago, when my oldest son, Kevin, was a little boy, I used to tell him over and over that his daddy was a really good man. One day we were looking at the Ensign, at the picture of the general authorities. I said, 

Home Sweet Home: More Than a Location

Home Sweet Home: More Than a Location

Why did I take this class? It was a question I hadn’t stopped asking myself for the previous 48 hours. I asked it when I lay shivering in my soaked sleeping bag, when I stood in dripping wet clothes as snow came down in large 

I: How to Deal With Imperfections in Marriage

I: How to Deal With Imperfections in Marriage

imperfectionsIntelligence has been humorously defined as an adjective used to describe people that agree with oneself. The wisdom in that joke is very applicable to this entry in our marriage series: our perception of perfection will be based on our imperfect understanding of the world and our desires. With that in mind, before we seek to improve all the weaknesses of our spouses as though on a religious crusade, it is good to remember to keep our own imperfections in check in the following ways:

Realize that weaknesses are often closely linked with strengths.

If your spouse is someone who really sticks to something, you may find in her or him stubbornness, or you may find dedication. If your spouse is someone that shows little emotion, a possible word to describe that attribute would be, well, emotionless—but if you analyze that attribute you may see that calm would be a better description. As such, be grateful for what your spouse contributes to your marriage and find out how to work as a team despite the difficulties that may be associated with his or her strength.

Don’t be unrealistic in your expectations.

Perfection should be defined according to one’s capabilities and efforts rather than against an unrealistic standard. One unrealistic standard is expecting to have at the beginning of your marriage everything your parents have after years of marriage. It is likely that the only way you could have all the tools, toys, and luxuries they have would be to go into considerable debt, which is not a good financial decision. You may not even have enough extra cash for more than a monthly ice-cream cone, as my parents did when they started out.

See what is really important.

You may be bothered by little imperfections every now and then. When this happens, consider if they are really important. If not, move on with life. If they are important to you specifically, communicate about that need and see what you can work out together. For example, if you can’t live with your spouse’s bad breath, you might be able to keep mints on hand. And if he or she doesn’t like mints, maybe you can take a toothbrush and toothpaste everywhere. Whatever the specific circumstance, you can work through it, as long as you do it together.

In summary, dealing with the imperfections of our significant other is likely to require dealing with our own inability to judge perfectly and doing whatever is necessary to improve that judgment as much as we can. This might not be an easy task, but with that special someone that committed specifically to be with you in the good times and the bad, it should work out.

By Austin Tracy
This is the fifth post in a series about making the transition from single life to marriage. Each post will highlight a topic about marriage that begins with a letter in the word. As we work our way through M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E, whether you have been married for a while, are a newlywed, or are just preparing to get married, we hope that these posts will help you to make a smooth transition. 
R: Resources for Married Couples

R: Resources for Married Couples

If you’ve ever started a fire with flint and steel, then you know how frustrating it can be—or at least, it frustrated me. There I was with my small steel striker, charred cloth, and the only rock I could find in the wild that barely 

The Best General Conference Memes and Tweets

The Best General Conference Memes and Tweets

We all love General Conference. We love the spirituality, the stories, the songs. But we also love a little good clean humor. Here are a few of the funniest memes and tweets that came out of the April 2017 General Conference. For more Conference memes 

Is it Really Mutual?

Is it Really Mutual?

mobile-phone-791644_1280I remember the first time I saw the commercial for the Mutual dating app. It was hilarious! I mean, it had Stacey Harkey in it so can you really go wrong? But that was mostly it. I was familiar with Tinder and its reputation and wasn’t about to embrace that or “sink to that level.” That included online dating sites and dating apps in general. Sure, I get that there are happily married people out there that met on Tinder, and that is wonderful for them. One of my roommates met her husband through Tinder, and that was great for her! However, I was convinced that dating apps and online dating would be, for me, a last resort.

So, naturally, I have had Mutual for two months.

Yes, I know, right? But, before you start to think that I only did it because I’ve finally reached that “last resort,” let me explain myself:

We live in the 21st century. Now, if that is news to you, then go back to your knitting and watching Murder She Wrote and disregard the rest of my thought dump. If living in a college town has taught me anything, it’s that dating needs to be redefined. Maybe I’m just not that girl that gets asked out every weekend, but in my experience, dates are few and far between. Then, to add to the trouble, there are all these stigmas. People don’t date in the ward because, as they say, you don’t want to “pee in the pool.” People don’t ask out fellow classmates on dates either because if it goes south then you still have class together. People also don’t ask random people on campus out on dates because it’s usually seen as weird (except for my old roommate who got asked out by a random guy on campus and is now happily married to him—shout out to Jane and Nate!) But seriously, that doesn’t usually happen. Okay, so the ward is out of bounds; the classmates are out of bounds; and the general human being on campus is out of bounds. So…how do you meet people?

But there’s more. Excusing the fact that today it seems to be more acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out, I’m a traditionalist, so we are going to make pretend that guys man up and ask the girls out. Guys traditionally have the advantage: they can look at a group of girls and narrow it down to which they are attracted to, and then ask one of the them out on a date to see if they are also attracted to her personality. That’s a much easier scenario than how we girls simply succumb to whomever asks us out! Then, if we aren’t attracted to the guy at all, we have to play the “bad guy” and let them down. I guess this is where online dating sites and dating apps come into play.

Dating has changed and so, I must change with it. Maybe that means I will eventually feel comfortable with asking a guy out on a date; or maybe that means I will cave and get Mutual (oh wait, I did). But I have learned that I can’t pass judgment. I thought dating apps were ridiculous! (I guess I still have a little bit of that still going through my head as I swipe through profiles.) However, I have realized that it is just another way to meet people. And considering that any other aspect of college life doesn’t often result in anything, I figured it could be a good place to start.

I’ve met this really great guy on Mutual and we have been talking. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but maybe something will. Right now we are just trying to see if, well, if things are Mutual.

By Camille Baker
We Tried Bullet Journaling and Here’s How it Went

We Tried Bullet Journaling and Here’s How it Went

Disclaimer: I am not an artistic person. I was the kind of person who threw away their graded art projects during my high school art class. Okay, now that we have established my lack of artistic ability, let’s get started! What is bullet journaling? As 

Living up to Expectations

Living up to Expectations

I remember the first reactions I got from my Laurel class advisers when I told them I was going to Brigham Young University. “Oh my goodness you are going to go down there and be married within the first year!” Name: Camille Age: 23 Year 

Rats, Hurricanes, and Cleaning Checks

Rats, Hurricanes, and Cleaning Checks

Yes, I grew up in a clean home; however, it wasn’t my mom’s or dad’s desires to have a clean home that made me a clean person today. In fact, while growing up, I had one of the messiest bedrooms out of all my siblings, except maybe occasionally one of my brothers would out “messy” me. My dad would even use a hurricane scale to rate the messy level of my bedroom.

“That’s definitely a hurricane class six in there!” He would say.

So, I bet you are curious to figure out why I’m such a clean and tidy person today. Well, I would like to think that throughout my high school years I got better at putting clothes away and keeping a clean room, but mostly the big change happened when I finally moved out of my parent’s house. The move out to college, for most college-bound students, isn’t always a smooth one. I think a lot of college students choose to “find themselves” by setting their own rules (now that they aren’t under the roof of their parent’s house); one of the most common expressions of these rule changes, at least in my experience with roommates, is that of cleanliness.

“You can’t go out with friends until your room is cleaned!”
“Once you clean your room, then you can take the car.”

We have all heard one adage of this simple request to clean. And yet, how much of it sticks and turns into habit? If someone is constantly prodded and coerced into cleaning, does an appreciation or desire of cleaning grow? I’d say probably not.

When I moved into my first apartment in Provo right before my first semester, my mom and I spent the good part of four hours deep cleaning my room and my bathroom (and may I mention that a razor blade was even used to scrape hardened nastiness off things—I mean really people? That’s gross). Let’s quickly revisit that number: FOUR HOURS! How many college students do you think spend four hours (even with the help of another person) cleaning their room they are about to move into? Especially with the preconceived notion that a “cleaning check” happened prior to their moving in. I’d say the number is fairly slim.

Okay, so the apartment is as spotless as possible and I’m moved in. That’s good enough, right? I mean, the first cleaning check isn’t for two months! And I just spent four hours deep cleaning, remember? Let’s pause; can you take a second and wrap your brain around that. . .two months without cleaning. What? Two months’ worth of rings around the toilet; two months’ worth of dirty water build-up in the shower, two months’ worth of toothpaste spit on the mirror and in the sink; two months’ worth of hair build-up on the floor (you know what I mean ladies)—Can you picture it? Now, what would you think if I told you that is the norm in college life?

(Okay, you’re right. I’ll take a break from being a cynic and recognize that there are still people out there who are clean people. Okay, break’s over.)
Let’s return to the topic.
I’d like to illustrate my opinion by telling a few personal stories of instances I’ve had with my roommates throughout my time in college housing.

One summer day, I had gotten back from work around 5:00 p.m. to walk into a messy apartment. My previous plans to relax for the night were thrown out the dirty window as I realized I wouldn’t be able to relax in such a messy place. So, I began cleaning; I had been cleaning for about an hour when one of my roommates walked in while I was dusting the living room. She stopped and asked, “Do we have cleaning checks tomorrow?” There was a bit of worry in her voice as she asked. I replied with a “nope” and turned back to dusting. She looked perplexed at me and asked, “Well, then why are you cleaning?” HA! As if the only reason I could possibly think to clean the apartment would be that cleaning checks were the following day. I smartly replied, “I’m cleaning because our apartment is gross.” I admit, it might not have been the most prime choice of words, but I think I’ll just blame the fact that I was probably in shock.

In general, cleaning checks will mostly be at the end of every semester. There are the occasional times I have had a mid-semester cleaning check, but that’s only ever happened to me once. Now, with these cleaning checks, I have been the one (and I mean the only one) to do the cleaning. There were maybe one or two times when one of my roommates would pitch in a bit, but that was usually it. And let’s also mention that I am a full-time student, part-time employee, and single, so I try to keep my social life as alive as possible. So, it’s not like I have loads of time I can fork out to do all the cleaning. Multiple times I would get back from class at night, eat, and then clean the apartment, sometimes until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning.

This brings me to another story. In preparation for one of my cleaning checks, I texted all my roommates to remind them when cleaning checks were (one of the efforts I would make to encourage my roommates to help me out with the cleaning). This time, one of my roommates actually replied and said she would clean the bathroom. What a blessed miracle that was to hear! I got home later that night to start cleaning, and I walked into the bathroom to see what (if anything) got done. It looked just like I left it earlier that morning. So, I texted my roommate and asked what she did. She replied that she had cleaned the bathroom. I didn’t quite believe that because the bathroom didn’t look clean, so I asked, “So, what did you actually clean?” She said she went to clean, but we didn’t have any cleaning supplies (um probably because I use them up so frequently from actually cleaning). So, she said she just rinsed out the shower and the sink and then took water and a rag to the toilet.

Excuse me? Doesn’t that just mean she turned the shower on and let the water run? Yeah, I definitely feel like that cleans the grime up really nicely.

What I don’t understand is why she wouldn’t go buy more cleaning supplies. To me, that is the most logical solution. Plus, it would have been nice to have someone else buying them for a change, since I am the only one to ever not only take the time and do the cleaning, but actually dish out money to purchase the cleaning supplies. It has taken a lot of practicing patience and love to not ask for repayment for the time and money I consistently spend on cleaning and even more patience and love to not complain about it to my roommates’ faces. Let’s just say my mom is accustomed to my frequent venting episodes.

As I have dealt with messy roommates, I have learned to keep to my room. My room is my safe place, or as my family calls it, my “sanctuary.” A sanctuary is some place we feel comfortable and at home. Well, my room is my sanctuary. I clean my room often; everything has a place and is in its place. It’s nice to be able to shut the door and close off any view of the explosion that lies beyond. Now I understand more about the hurricane rating my dad would use. I think it’s safe to say my roommates are consistently at a hurricane class eight. And yes, that is even messier than my hurricanes growing up.

One thing that confuses me most of all is the boyfriend situation—Don’t worry, this relates; I promise—So, my roommates are dating people. (Yes, and I’m not. I know. Don’t rub it in.) One thing I always keep asking myself is this, “Don’t they know? Don’t they know what they are getting themselves into! RED ALERT! Your girlfriend is a slob! The only reason you think she is clean is because I’m cleaning!” Sometimes I think about telling them how messy their girlfriend is, like I’d be doing some great public service, but I don’t of course.

One final story happened to me recently. I have long tried to keep my apartment clean and tidy to avoid any kind of gross growth or infestation. (Yes, I’ve had to purge a past apartment of something that was growing larvae in my roommate’s food—ew, let’s stop thinking about that.) The last thing anyone ever wants is to live in a place that is so messy and dirty that you start having, heaven forbid, a rat problem. Well, one of my roommates recently bought two pet rats. Yep. That happened. In all my efforts to avoid a rat ever making it into one of my apartments, my roommate welcomed two in. Needless to say, one of these a black ratdays my sanctuary won’t just be my own room, but my own apartment: larvae free, hurricane free, and yes, rat free too.

By Camille Baker
R: Living your Religion in Marriage

R: Living your Religion in Marriage

    Getting married is hopefully the best decision you’ve ever made, but like any major life change, it comes with a lot of transitions. Even if you come from the same religious background, it is likely that you and your spouse will have some